…that’s you being a jerk
by Tommy J for DUDE. 2
So a good mate of mine is about six months into taking testosterone and he’s doing a lot of experimenting with internet hook ups with men. He would love to have an all-night fuck fest with a big, beautiful bear, but for a great night (or morning, or afternoon) he’ll happily hook up with various kinds of gay or bi identifying cis men. And as his horny 22 year old friend, I get to hear all the glorious details. He tells me all the great stories about quick meet ups, grunting phone calls and sweaty palms.
One Monday morning at a little café around the corner from his place, we lean in over our soy latte’s whispering excitedly…
“So, he puts you on your stomach, leans over and then…?” I ask excitedly gripping my coffee mug.
“Well he’s just about to…” PJ starts, but trails off looking uncomfortable.
I give him a couple of minutes to stare out the window but eventually I look at him and say, “PJ, what happened?”
He sips some water, takes a deep breath in and goes on,
“Tommy seriously. These guys, some of them are idiots. I specifically look for guys who talk about being trans positive or at least are open to the idea. I begin our hooks ups straight up: I say, ‘This is what I call my junk, what do you call yours? This is what I’m up for, what are you up for? Etcetera, etcetera,’ and it’s all great at the beginning. But seriously! When a guy starts on about my “chest” or starts calling my junk the wrong thing, oh man, it’s such a fucking turn off!
Smiling awkwardly at the older woman at the next table with the disgruntled dog at her feet I reply, “Oh dude, I’m sorry to hear you had a weird night.”
“It’s not just a weird night, it’s all the time! I just want to fuck a guy who’s a little trans savvy. I don’t want any of this boys-who-talk-over-the-net-about-how-trans-friendly-they-are and then we meet up and I end up feeling gender fucked. I want to feel like my best male, trans, spunk self when I’m fucking. I don’t want hear you’re goddamn Thailand experience!” he finishes exasperated.
The conversation gets me thinking: Who’s got some good ideas to tackle the awkwardness of a lover consistently calling your body the wrong names? Other than constantly trying to educate and re-educate our lovers, what else is possible? And frankly, when all you want is a really good fuck, or one afternoon with a stranger, how can you get the respect that we all deserve? Maybe it’s a little different with regular or long term lovers, sex is all about what you can make it together and a little educating can go a long way. But with a stranger that you’ve been up front with about the way you talk and feel about your body, it shouldn’t be a lot to ask for them to respect your boundaries.
Therefore I ask:
Dear cis men-looking-to-hook-up-with-me or anyone-who-feels-this-is-relevant-to-them,
I am excellent. If you’re a little bit more open to respecting me for the amazing human I am, we will most likely have an amazing time.
You can do this by listening to what I’m saying.
When I say, “Hey I’m up for this, and not for that,” respect it.
When I say, “I like this bit to be called this,” call it that.
When I say, “Oh hey, I don’t really want to hear about the other lovers you’ve been with or the other remotely related trans experiences you or your mate have had,” don’t talk about it.
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Dear DUDE fans!
Copy the above on a piece of paper. Whenever need be, show your lover or hookup-to-be this piece of paper. If he doesn’t listen, show him the door. You deserve something better.